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She had so many bitches
she didn't know what to do
Took my first organic chemistry test. I predict a low B or high C. As I walked to the front to turn it in, Dr. G. personally collected it from me and said, "I need to see this." I grimaced. Last thing I need is for him to see how horribly I'm doing. :/ I tried my hardest to focus when I studied, but I was just too anxious.

Broke down and picked up the white North Face jacket. And the weather just cooled down. I've gotten a lot of compliments already. Not sure how to explain to people that I own two of them now, despite being a simple bartender.

I think this whole incident with Jason is going to be more damaging to my psyche than I had anticipated. Who will I ever be able to trust?

10:25 pm. I'm realizing that I'm an anxious bundle of nerves, and it's permeating every aspect of my life. I'll be glad when this gets resolved, because I'm not the person I want to be. I can't relax and be happy with people who are trying to be good to me. I'm wishing I were dead again. This is all because he's decided to simply ignore me instead of have the balls to just break up with me and apologize for initiating something, then deciding it was worthless.

Good thing Brittany S. Pierce was on Hulu to cheer me up. I laughed my bitch ass off. :-D And that Slave 4 U number was incredibly hot. Now, back to being miserable. ;)

Current Music: Final Fantasy IV - Parom and Polom

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I've finally lost a few pounds! I can wear a lot of my clothes again without looking disgusting. :-D

I saw a North Face jacket in white on sale (the Apex Elixir)- stretchy, fitted, makes my boobs look amazing. Even on sale, it's $70. Not sure if I can justify it...but it's so, ridiculously cute.

I'm in an amazing mood today. I've accepted the fact that I'm not perfect, but that I should try to be the best I can be in every aspect of my life, even including the more superficial things. Focusing on me. Whether I'm happy, how I feel.

So even if Jason decides to dump me the next time I see him, at least I'll look the best I can possibly look when he does. ;) I already know what I'm going to be wearing. But you know...I have a really positive attitude about how things will go when I see him again, regardless of how bad things are looking. Who knows what'll happen?

My organic chemistry professor (Dr. G) recognizes me from last year!!! I was at a review session yesterday and as I got up to leave, he stopped in the middle of answering someone's question.

"Come here."
I walked over there.
"No, over here," pointing to a spot closer to him.
I moved closer.
He leaned over, cupped his hand, and whispered, "You are doing a great job!"
I grinned from ear to ear, blushed, and thanked him.

Someday, I'm going to work for this guy. If he's still alive when I graduate with my Ph. D.

Also, from the Rolling Stone article:
"When I wake up in the morning, I feel just like any other insecure 24-year-old girl. Then I say, ‘Bitch, you’re Lady Gaga, you get up and walk the walk today.’ ”


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I LOVE the new Droid X. :-D Sadly, the battery lasts maybe the entire day. Need to work on optimizing battery life.

Haven't cooked in weeks. Lost 5 pounds. Need to buy groceries.

I've been making straight Bs up until my last homework assignment, which I aced. But my professor said that Chapter 5 is when the oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling.

I'm heading to my third organic chemistry lab. Ugh. I just need to keep telling myself that I'm doing all of this for a reason.

Edit: I completely bombed my lab. Bombed.
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What I've learned about learning organic chemistry is that:
a) To the eye of a newb, there is no consistency among the answers in the solutions manual - certainly not enough to pick out a pattern and learn from them. Hell, two models of the same molecule aren't even depicted the same way in the same diagram.
b) It is impossible to know the answers to the questions from reading the chapter. Read the solutions manual, smile and nod, take into consideration their explanation, and move on.

I've never had to learn this way before - it's frustrating, but I'm getting used to it.

I went into the marine bio lab today, and now I have to go back again tomorrow. I have Verhoeff solution stains all over my fingers. I'm going to be That Guy who ends up dying from the inhalation of some fumes from an accidental reaction, or blows up the entire lab by applying friction to dried picric acid, or ends up getting cancer 20 years later from carelessly handling chemicals. What, the MSDS sheet was supposed to tell me that that substance was carcinogenic? Oops.
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I have someone to drink gPG Garganega-Pinot Grigio with! I love being in a relationship!
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I feel like a cat that's been picked up, flung against a wall, and somehow landed on its feet.

Aptly, a quote from Adventures on the Wine Route by Kermit Lynch:

"...[My sons are] bachelors, both looking for an extraordinary woman. Me, I always tell them: no one is extraordinary, and even if you have a mistress who is, the day you marry her she won't be extraordinary." - Madame de Lacaussade
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The Coach bag I got for my birthday:

I also got myself a set of Riedel Burgundy Vivant glasses:

I worked 15 hours on Saturday, then got up at 5:30 am to work 7 hours on Sunday. This is going to be typical of the next few weekends (until the pool closes). Then, I sat at home and chilled with a bottle of Daniel Bouland Morgon Vieilles Vignes (2008).

I intend on enjoying my day off the best I can. It's interesting how in order to relax optimally, it does take some planning.

Current Music: Five Iron Frenzy - Oh, Canada

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I've been one of the outdoor pool bartenders at a country club for the past three months. I was technically hired part-time.

It wasn't until today that my boss told me that they were basically having me completely take the last indoor (main grill) bartender's place - all of her shifts. Not only that, they're giving me full-time status. That means I will soon have health insurance.

While it doesn't seem like much of a job for a college graduate, I'm actually really proud of it. I've been working in the service industry for eight years now (though on and off). Bartending is a profession that a person has to build up to - one can't simply go to bartending school and be taken seriously by employers.

I'm going to have to tell my professors that I won't be taking the lab job. I'm not sure how that's going to affect grad school acceptance. All I know is that the health insurance is the selling point for me. I'm done with using VCC - it's for those who are disadvantaged, and I am fortunate enough to have good employers so that I can finally stand on my own two feet. Not that I don't owe a LOT to the program.

I really want Adventures on the Wine Route, but I have just enough money to cover my copay for my appointment on Monday.

I'm kind of glum, but it helps to stop and think of all of the beautiful things in life. I can get past this.

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful

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My roommate found a praying mantis on his avocado tree this morning. It was huge. Being the bio major he is, he made a makeshift net out of an old t-shirt and a coat hanger, caught it, euthanized it in our freezer, and put it in a box for a friend of ours, who is making a bug collection for one of her classes.

Ew. :(

I spent today emailing my boss about possibly getting full-time status, then contacting my credit card company to see if they'd lower my interest rate. (They told me to wait six months.) Talked to my mom. Studied for the GRE. Went to the gym. Went to the grocery store to replace the caramels I'd eaten that a friend of ours left at our place. (Oops.)

I found out that I'm supposed to belong to a postbac certificate program in order to get financial aid for my organic chemistry class this fall term. Double oops. I think it's probably also too late to enroll. The only thing I can think to do is wait until spring term to take I, then take II during the summer. (Ouch.) Or, I can ask my parents to pay my tuition for the first semester. (Double ouch.)

Guess today has been kind of a fail day.
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It's times like when I'm on Concerta that I believe in God.

And I wonder whether the only people who can afford to believe in a benevolent, omniscient, omnipotent God are people who have had good things in life.

Seeing the way a lot of the math problems are solved on the GRE...is actually kind of beautiful. I wish my mind were more prone to working that way. Maybe it's never entirely too late to take advantage of neuroplasticity.
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